Inborn….or learned?
Well bredrens, my apologies for my absence from posting for the last few days. I have really been more than skindeep in work!
Anyhow, here I am. I am on a break from the ‘grind’ tonight and have decided to post some thoughts I have been having for a few weeks. The topic is somewhat controversial and I am sure that (if anybody reads it) there may well be some good comments resulting. So, before anyone accuses me of having verbal diarrhoea……
Do you feel that our sexual orientation is something that we are born with? Or, can our sexual preference be learned?
I was discussing this with some of the ‘crew’ recently, and the consensus is that we are born with our sexual preference. I think I tend to agree with this viewpoint. From way back (I guess that expression makes me sound like I am over the hill…anyway) I can remember that I was attracted to females. As I grew older, and started to have relationships, it just seemed ‘right’ for me to be with a woman. As I matured and discovered the ‘goodly stuff’, that cemented the identity even more. The thought of doing anything remotely sexual with a man seemed so taboo and repulsive to me. I could not even consider it.
I believe for most of us, we know fairly early in life, what feels ‘right’ for us. Thus, for a homosexual, the same holds true. A gay man just does not feel comfortable being with a woman. So, following this argument, I suppose I feel that in most cases, people who are gay are simply born that way.
What of so called ‘bisexuals?’ I raised this question with someone. Their view is that ‘bisexuality’ really does not exist. The person said that he felt that so called ‘bis’ are actually homosexuals who are afraid of ‘coming out’. I am not too sure what my views are on that comment. Could not an individual be comfortable with either man or woman?
Now, though I have already stated that I agree with the view that our sexual orientation is inborn, let me cite a hypothetical situation in order to continue this discussion (and hopefully the comments) a bit further. Suppose a female child is born to a young teenage boy and girl. The child is born heterosexual, she will grow up being attracted to the opposite sex. Unfortunately, her teen parents are unable to raise her, they are both young and they decide to put the child up for adoption.
She eventually is adopted by a gay female couple (if this situation could at all occur legally is another issue, but I am just painting a picture for discussion purposes). The child grows up in a household where she sees women embracing, most of the couple’s friends are like themselves, lesbians. The child grows up being taught that gay is ok. (Hey, that has a nice little rhyme to it! Kind of catchy eh? I can see it on the T-shirt of folks at a gay rights rally.) Is it not possible, that this female could learn to accept a woman as a partner? Or, on account of her being born heterosexual, would she not feel uncomfortable with a woman? But, she grew up being taught that if that was how she felt, then so be it. So, I suppose what I am trying to say is that environment could play a role in helping to mould our sexual identity. I hope nobody who reads this feels I am bashing gays. I am not, just having a discussion about sexuality. So having raised a few points. I am going to ask you for your opinions. Share your feelings on this topic and let us have some healthy discussion.
Well tomorrow is Friday again. No complaints from me where that is concerned, and tonight is my last night on call until Wednsday next. (I won’t even bother to cuss about the pager company still being down.) Have a good weekend and let me hear your voices on the topic. Easy nuh.
September 19th, 2003 at 8:15 am I agree, homosexuals are born that way. Re bi-sexuals, I don’t know if they really “exist” or if they are, as you say, homosexual, but hiding it. Re learning… I think that such a girl may experiment with it… but decide that she doesn’t really like it, and become strictly heterosexual.
September 19th, 2003 at 9:01 am I most definitely agree with the born gay part
September 19th, 2003 at 9:47 am Well, I definitely agree that sexual orientation is something we are born with . . . just because, as a scientific and logical mind, all the evidence points to nature and not nuture. So many homosexual people struggle with their orientation, and sometimes even try to hide it. If this was a learned trait, why on earth would they be fighting it so hard? So I agree with that part. But bisexuality sure throws a kink in the theory. The only thing I can come up with is that, there will always be deviations. Deviations is a bad word, because it holds so many negative connotations, but it’s the best I can come up with. They are either just very sexually open people, or perhaps confused, or just very loving - they don’t want to restrict their Saturday-night-date choices to half the population!
September 19th, 2003 at 1:41 pm I’d imagine that your hypothetical heterosexual female would be most likely to be tolerant by nature of her rearing, but no more likely to have a bisexual proclivity than anyone else. Why couldn’t bisexuality be inborn? Wouldn’t it be awfully tough to be bisexual? You’ve got a lot more competition.
September 19th, 2003 at 2:10 pm …okay…here goes…I believe in love..I believe that you approach a point where you really love someone and you can turn a mental act into a physical action…in the case of all of humanity I can hug, I can kiss, I can hold…and then there comes a line I cannot ‘make love’ to the whole of humanity..I have decided that I will only go the whole way with my wife from now until…but what about blokes before you got married?…I never felt the need/want…I shared beds with blokes - hell, the night before my wedding I slept with my best man (emphasis on the slept)…at no stage have I ever wanted to have sex with a man…but I freely admit that I love men - some of my best friends are blokes!!..so what I am saying is that I think you are born that way, you cannot make a homosexual…your ‘hypothetical’ situation doesn’t work because just because you are brought up in an environment doesn’t make you believe it is correct for you - hell, I was brought up by two right-wing-neo-fascists…I was brought up to believe that the ‘black-man’ was evil..I was brought up as a racist…but I hope (oh god, I hope) that I have grown into my humanity and through my childhood…I hope I have found my role in life…and I am comfortable with who I am…and I rejoice in people who are comfortable with what they are…sh*t, I nearly typed, some of my best friends are gay/black/jewish/foreigners/disabled…thank goodness you can ban me :^)…
September 19th, 2003 at 3:47 pm I could type a long respone (but have to get my children from school)… so, my two cents, brief. You are born with whichever sexualitly you are born with… part of it will be molded by exposure, but you are what you are. As said by Billy you can be raised by one kind of person (or a set of them) and not be like them… goes true here… I had parents that were racist but I am not. My parents would not take well to me dating a person of dark skin, but I did it and had no qualms of it… I dated him for himself, not his skin color. Gays raising a child will not change the childs sexual orientation (I believe) they will be what they are meant to be.
September 19th, 2003 at 5:35 pm Tough one, Dr. D! All I know is that I was born liking women, and I haven’t slowed down since (although there’s only one who gets my real attention nowadays).
September 19th, 2003 at 9:17 pm I’ll add my vote to all the others. I believe in nature over nurture. Ang said it all very well. If, in fact, sexual preference is genetic, I’m not sure how two heterosexuals can produce a homosexual unless it has to do with a recessive gene. Just as red hair is not necessarily passed on, perhaps sexual orientation is occasionally skipped. Or…perhaps it’s the result of someone who is homosexual in orientation denying that orientation and living as a heterosexual. However it comes about, I believe it’s due to DNA, and not our environment. I think, as in the situation of the girl raised by a gay couple, that you can come to be more open to the lifestyles that exist, but that will not necessarily sway you from your intended path. It seems to me that no one would CHOOSE to be gay in the U.S. given how badly we treat gays, unless for them there was no choice. In my garden there is a white geranium which has one bloom that is half red and half white. I think in terms of flowers this is called a “Sport.” Maybe that is the genetic equivalent of a bi-sexual person. Or, prehaps bi-sexuals are the exception where “nurture” comes in. Great post, Doc!
September 20th, 2003 at 2:22 pm Another great topic… I believe there’s a wide number of factors involved. Largely, I think it’s due to the person’s genetic make-up (so count me in the “born with it” crowd.) Much in the same way that some people prefer catsup on their hot dogs as opposed to mustard. However, I also think in a great many cases a traumatic event is involved, as I’ve seen in personal experiences. I knew of a girl who was raped by a drunken uncle at her sweet 16th party. She not only immediately became a lesbian, but also very “butch”, and tried to make herself as unattractive as possible as a defense mechanism. All of the gay male friends I know all have a memory of molestation as a child that they refuse to face, despite years of therapy. And as far as bi-sexuality, I think ALL people have that tendency, even in a fleeting thought. Homophobic people are the absolute WORST at reconciling that. It may vary in degrees with each person… but surely we have all found someone of the same sex “attractive” at some point in our lives. Hey, I’d do Rob Lowe or George Michael. Who wouldn’t? :0)
September 21st, 2003 at 12:30 pm WOW great post!!! I’m with everyone else I believe sexual orientaion is something you are born. As far as “bi’s”, I don’t think that throws a curve in the theory, I think it is a way that people who question experiment to determine their sexual orientation. Considering that even though most accept people for who they are, not their sexual preference, they are still not allowed the same rights as a hetrosexual couple. Adoption included. Gays are not allowed to adopt. They can become foster care people but never can they adopt. I also do not believe that being raised in a gay family means that the child will be gay ~ I do however believe that it would make the child more insightful towards people whom are considered “different” by society. Just my few two cents worth on the subject.
September 21st, 2003 at 5:06 pm Great topic… and one that I’ve given a lot of thought to over the course of my 33 years. For as long as I can remember, I have been attracted to both males and females. I repressed the female attraction for a long time, but I somehow found myself in situations where I was with them. For instance, when I was 9 or 10, a girl and I dry-humped and I remember REALLY liking it, but wanting it to stop because it frightened me. Growing up and into the teenage years, I was seriously boy crazy. I couldn’t stop thinking about them and chasing them. My fantasy life always consisted of males and females, though… Then when I was 17 and drunk, my boyfriend and I got my best friend into bed… but she ended it before anything happened. Once I got married, my husband made a comment to me when we were at the mall that I checked out women more than he did. I felt like I was caught with my hand in the cookie jar. My first reaction was to deny it. I think I was always afraid that if I liked girls, then I had to be gay and therefore I was just pretending to like boys all my life. I knew that wasn’t true, so I spent a lot of time confused. Fast forward about 10 years and a few lesbian experiences later, yet still married… and now newly sober… I decided that I was only with women when I was drunk. And that all of my experiences were just one big drunken, kinky mess. Last weekend, though, I was with a girlfriend of mine that I made love to a couple of years ago and all of the feelings came back. It was then that I knew I didn’t just like having sex with girls when I was drunk… and that I’m a bi-sexual and it’s okay. It IS hard being bi because I find that you go through periods of liking one sex more than the other and then you question your sexuality. It’s hard to balance it. As for how we get this way - I definitely think it’s inborn. As someone else mentioned previously, if being bi was a learned trait, why would I have spent so much of my time trying to repress it? Anyway…. sorry for the novel in your comments.