I listened……
…….keenly, while the person, someone I know well, spoke. It made me think last night, and way into this morning. So, that translates to not sleeping much last nite, but I will survive.
Occasionally, there are times in our lives when we have to make decisions, tough shyte that can be as well. When these decisions affect those people with whom we live….namely our family, it can be even tougher. But, a man has do what a man has to do.
Last night, while I listened, I was taken back to what is easily the most unhappy period of my life thus far…..a seven month period of living hell when my Mother was diagnosed with two malignancies, one right after the other. The last one resulting in her passing. I didn’t sleep well, I cried, I had no appetite, things that previously were sources of pleasure (I don’t need to spell that out in any more detail) became unimportant. I did everything I could do physically, medically, spiritually as a son, to try to ensure that we could kill this vermin that had crept into our household and afflicted this innocent woman. Alas, we/I did not have the final say. The Big Guy said no. It hurt nuh rass.
Despite my pain, I had to act. Shit, I’m a doctor, we are supposed to have all the answers. I can network with my colleagues to get the best for her just by speaking to my bredrens and letting them know the case. I did that, but there were days I still bawled my heart out, and a time eventually came that I came to the realisation that no matter what I could try to do, the end was near.
Grave as the situation was, I became the one that everyone looked to for the answers. I became the rock. Though I must admit, the rock had his days when he felt more like a pile of dog shit. But, I can look back at those days now, and, though I miss Mummy badly, I have no regrets. We did all that could have been done. Nothing haunts my conscience. I try only to remember the good times and think pleasant thoughts of her. They help to take me through the tough days I experience now….Mummy’s spirit is a guiding force. I take comfort in that.
I may appear to be rambling, but phuck dat, sometimes it is good to ramble, like two men sharing drinks together, they may appear to be chatting whole heap o crap and rum talk, but if you listen carefully, it just might make some sense.
Last nite, I found myself in a situation where I had to listen to one who has found himself in perhaps a similar situation to the one I was placed in almost four years ago. Luckily for those concerned, no grave illness is involved, but serious decisions need to be taken. Actually, I wasn’t invited to listen in, and had I known what was going to occur, I may well have excused myself. But, those concerned know that I’m no hypocrite, I’m not thin skinned and I will reveal no details of what transpired. All I’ll say is that the guy did well, he spoke with authority and at the same time, took into consideration the feelings of all concerned. He had a good teacher. He has become the rock, in the same way that I had to become the rock myself. And, please don’t think I’m being haughty or full of self pride when I type here. Just being factual.
To the guy who has become the rock (if he reads this), I will simply say, nuh fret yuself, the plan sound good, and everyting will fall into place. I stand behind all o onoo ready to help in any way I can. I believe you know that. Life is tough, but when we do what has to be done, we can conquer it bloodcleat! Respec due…. enuff said.
Some of you might be a bit confused by all this, but never mind, this is jus a man putting feelings and thoughts into words. No joking round Dr. D in this post.
May 3rd, 2004 at 11:44 am We all have times when we need to be reflective. We all have times when we need to be the rock. And we all have times when we feel like shit! fortunately, if we are lucky, we have more times of feeling good about ourselves. Have a good day D.
May 3rd, 2004 at 12:28 pm that was so beautifully said. no details necessary. very poetic almost.
May 3rd, 2004 at 7:04 pm I can so relate to your story. I actually had tears welling up reading it.I lost my grandfather last year to metastatic prostate cancer after his 10 years battle. Being a medic in my fam, I had to not only be the rock but carry out my grandfather’s DNR wishes. This was very hard for me and still I had to carry out his wishes. Many in my family did not agree with his decision and were even more upset with my for granting them. It was a tough decision but I feel that I honoured my grandfather by doing as he wished. I was the last person he spoke to and I hold dear to me his last words. I miss him dearly and would do ANYTHING to spend another afternoon with him.
May 3rd, 2004 at 7:20 pm Trish, I know how you’re feeling. Sorry to hear about your grandfather. Sometimes we have to be strong for the ones who are passing on. In a way i too did that for my Dad, I made sure to tell him it was alright for him to leave, that we understood that he could not stay here with us. I knew I had to do it even though my heart was breaking.
May 3rd, 2004 at 10:42 pm You have strength and character, my friend… that’s what I admire most about you. I hear what you’re saying… those are hard times that literally define what kind of a man you are. A real man has to be there and be strong for everyone around them, even if all that man wants to do is curl up in a corner like every one else. You’d be amazed at how few men really rise to that occasion though. I’m proud to know you’re one of them though… and I’m really sorry to hear about what happened to your mom. That really sucks.
May 3rd, 2004 at 11:05 pm I’m with -=e=-, dude… big up to you. I’d write you a book here, but I gotta go back to packing…
May 4th, 2004 at 12:30 am Thanks -=e=-, I really didn’t write this for anyone to post epistles, but I love comments…..so as we say here…you done know!