Yes, here are the thoughts…
Well, I have decided to write suppem down here. Let me start by going back to how I felt yesterday. Now, what I’m going to describe were my feelings in the morning while I was on the way to work. How often have you ever felt that things around you seem very negative? You have a feeling of impending disaster….as if you are going to receive some very bad news. Or, you feel as if you are about to go and write an examination for which you are fully aware that you have not studied adequately, and that definite failure looms? If you’re male, the thought alone makes your balls draw up into your belly…. Not sure if you get the picture…but that is how I felt driving to work yesterday. By the time I had reached Barbican Square, I was feeling so negative and even anxious, that I almost turned back and called my boss to say that I wasn’t coming in. But, I didn’t. I continued the drive…which seemed even longer than usual to me….I was not driving at my usual speed, people were actually overtaking me.
My mind then drifted to my Mother…departed almost six years….and as much as I’m a grown man, I felt sad, I miss her….my eyes became blurred and a tear or two rolled down my cheeks. Rassclaat! I cussed under my breath. I was sad and anxious at the same time…..Why? I am not really sure.
Did it have anything to do with stuff I have been hearing in the news? That case of the six year old Trini boy that two teens killed with a peice of sugar cane has been looming in the recesses of my mind…sick mofos! Kami did a post about it.
Monday night, I saw a news item on CNN where this nineteen year old American male was giving testimony about porn stuff he got involved in from the age of thirteen via the net. Apparently he got into chatting with strangers over the net and eventually got a webcam. One of the men he chatted with asked him to take off his shirt in front of the cam for $50. It seemed to him then, a pretty harmless way for him to make 50 bucks. He did it and got paid. Apparently, he was taught how to make up an account by PayPal. Eventually he became more involved and got to the point where he would jerk himself off or even screw a prostitute in front of the camera while his paying audience watched for money. This was done within the confines of his room….unknown to his parents. Evidently, he made a hell of a lot of money over the years he was involved in it. He had an audience of about 1,500 regulars.
Now, the authorities want to use him to track down the people who were paying him via the information he has on his computer about them. That’s all fine, and I don’t have issues with it. BUT, what about the bwoy himself? Don’t tell me that he did not realize that the crap he was getting up to was off the beaten track!? The teens of nowadays have nutten hidden from them. I hold him (and his parents who clearly don’t know what he is up to when his room door is closed…probably giving him his ’space’…) just as responsible as the folks who watched him to get their rocks off.
Then I heard also on Monday about the situation that evening on the UWI Campus where students at Mona reacted to the alleged sexual approach of a man to another male student in a bathroom. Here is a letter to the Gleaner talking about the incident.
I suppose my mood had something to do with all of this. Anyhow, I felt a bit better as the day dragged on, but still couldn’t shake the mood fully. Had some curry goat for my lunch and found that I had almost twenty minutes to spare before the start of the afternoon clinic. So, I parked the car in a parking lot at work beneath a poinciana tree, reclined the seat and opened the windows so some breeze could pass chru. Found myself chatting in my head with God and praying. Yeah, He listens. Trus me.
By the time I got home in the evening, I was feeling almost my usual self again. Decided to call up some friends that I haven’t heard from in a while. Went to bed at about 10 PM and fell asleep with the TV on Showtime. I woke up at about 12:15 AM, TV and bedside lamp still on. Sleepy as I was, I caught a heavyweight boxing match in progress…forgot the name of the fighters, but it was a damn good match, even though I only caught the last five rounds. So, watched as the bredrins exchanged some rass licks with each other….and they did go the full twelve rounds. Eventually, I switched off the TV and returned to sleep. Started the day off feeling anxious and sad, and end it a watch some man a lick the shyte outta each odda….one of my favourite sports to watch on TV btw, and it has been a while since I saw a good match. Anyway, today I feel alright. When last (if ever) have any of you had similar feelings? Nuff chat is welcome.
April 6th, 2006 at 8:40 pm Doc Sounds like now you need a doc. I know sometimes I feel “off” but don’t know why. Not a sick feeling, just feeling uneasy, restless. Sounds like another trip to Portland is due, Doc.
April 6th, 2006 at 8:49 pm Yes iya, I know the feeling too well miself. Some mornings I don’t feel like getting out of bed, oh well, I glad you feeling better iya! Tek it cool nuh!
April 6th, 2006 at 8:59 pm Bwoi doc tek it easy….we all have those days sometimes.
April 6th, 2006 at 10:38 pm Wow! Great post. I know exactly what you’re talking about. Unfortunately, I share the same things too. However, I think mine is of a different league. It usually transcends itself into the next day(s). The incidents you mentioned are really ones which naturally prompt a feeling of such. Firstly, about what you mentioned about the ill feeling… it happens. Doesn’t it seem at times as if there is an odd uncanny premonition (even though I’m a bit ambivalent as to whether I believe in all of that)? Just earlier this week, got up in the morning, day started off messed-up, and that air just followed me all over the place for the rest of the day, and affected everything in my path. Whenever that happens, I can easily predict what’s gonna come for the day. And I predicted correctly. The bus conductor pissed me off, the receptionist at my school pissed me off, teacher/classmates pissed me off, neighbor pissed me off etc, and I ended up cussing off everybody, with the day culminating with my shoes go pop wid me and buss open in the middle of Half-Way-Tree square, very much to my embarrassment! Now I know what them mean by “getting up on the wrong side”. I should have gotten back into bed. I know how the mother feeling feel. My father is dead, too. And at times Phantom pain hits. But whoa.. I just try to listen to some music and take my mind off of it. It works sometimes. Other times, it fails in doing so. The sugar cane story…sad! Sickening! Teenagers capable of doing this? A sugar cane?? Jeez! I remember hearing of this thirteen-yea-old boy who you mentioned. I think I heard of it some time last year. I didn’t even know he was 19 now. I saw a clip of his testimony this morning on CNN’s ‘AM Morning’ show. Yea, I agree he should be charged too, somewhat. But that has to be balanced with his naivete at the time, innocence (seemingly so), and his disadvantage with being the ‘weaker’ more malleable party. In law, there is what is called the defence of infancy, which is based on his lack of capacity and also Diminished Responsibility. But, in all fairness, he is culpable (or should be, even at a lesser level) for the actions. The UWI incident, I thought was quite funny. I know I shouldnt laugh at it, but sometimes you have to ‘take a bad ting mek laugh’. The story varies from him holding down somebody in the bathroom, to peeping on somebody, to jerking off in front of somebody. They even ran him down to the police station, too. But, yes.. I definitely agree with the writer of the commentary in the Gleaner. UWI students should have been held at a different standard. A higher one. A tertiary one. Well, evidently not. It is embarrassing. Anyways, not a boxing fan. I prefer Law and Order. Hmmm, not really a sport. But, if you consider the mind games involved in figuring out who’s really culpable, plus following the tricks of the Defense-Prosecution…. you could kinda consider it a sport. Loosely so. Sorry for hijacking your blog and writing a whole blog entry of my own. Sorry for the long post. I guess I naturally just chat nuff. And in my defense, you did say “chat nuff”.. so I obliged. Also apologize if my posts sounds mental. I guess I mistook you for Dr. Phil. But then again, you didn’t say what type of doctor you were. I may be justified in my mistaken assumption. Cheer up! Lata!
April 7th, 2006 at 7:13 am Kaschief is a mouth ah massy like me to ra$$. Chat plenty. My yute, I am sure that I have felt that way before but I can’t remember when or why. As in your case, it was probably unfounded. Good post though.
April 7th, 2006 at 8:56 am Respec to the crew for the comments thus far. I note none of the fairer sex in blogland seh nutten yet…..whappen ladies? Ri, I am not in need of a Doc…..maybe jus a likkle R&R and some liquid spirit….and it is Friday and me nuh deh pon call…..so you know how it go!
April 7th, 2006 at 3:47 pm Hey Doc, it bees like that somethings. We can’t always be bubbly and cheerful, life not like dat. The news events as of late nuh help either. Here in Arepaland the big story is of three brothers ages 12-16 who were kiddnapped back in Feb, they found their bodies all 3 of them bounded, gagged, and shot to death. They also killed their chauffer…Can you imagine the horrors of the parents. Well de fine folks of Caracas been protesting, blocking streets and holding vigils. Rumor has it that the Metro Police is invloved. Hold yuh ah VX and coco water and relax for the weekend.
April 7th, 2006 at 8:42 pm Yes,I feel like that quite often-I call it my moody times.At times I miss my grandmother a lot and I getting to feeling blue.Then there are horror stories that throw me off balance especially when they involve children.But the trick is not to stay down too long.
April 8th, 2006 at 10:49 pm I can relate…day usually gets better though. Can you imagine Thursday was B/day….41….aaaarrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!
April 9th, 2006 at 12:26 pm Bredren, There are times that ah man just need to go to a nice sandy spot on the beach an sit under a almond tree and watch the waves. your time has come. Guidance.
April 10th, 2006 at 6:45 am good post. regarding the boy on CNN I supose he will claim he was taken in by his elders but I think since he was doing it for so many years he has to take the blame. He knew what he was doing and knew it was wrong or he wouldnt have been hiding it from his parents
April 12th, 2006 at 8:49 pm Hello Dr. D, I hope you’re feeling better. This was such a touching post. You’d be surprised at how things from the past come back to trouble you, I’m sorry about your mum. My dad died in ‘97. You’re right, prayers help. I still can’t write about the little boy in Trinidad, I spent many nights not sleeping, thinking about him and wondering how his mother is doing now. Those sickos out there who hurt children…how I want to help to catch them!!!